I can’t wait for the unveiling of the Conservative Manifesto. A year off work unpaid to look after your dying granny so the NHS doesn’t have to. Fuck me, that’s a vote winner right there. I suppose at home your fully patched Windows 10 laptop won’t accidentally make a brew instead of running her dialysis machine, before asking you for your fucking credit card details.
That wasn’t a hack by the way, that was just the tories dipping their toe in the water, to see how the public would react when asked to pop their pin in for a cheeky look at their own Virgin medical records.
So what are the other policies on offer? 100 x 0 hour contracts? A promise of 100 guaranteed no hours per month?
200 brand new food banks a year for the next 5 years?
Compulsory assisted dying for those deemed a burden to the Democratic Republic of Great England?
Let’s be honest, the rumoured announcements so far have been less dazzling than a Lada headlight haven’t they? Corbyn’s going to end world poverty with a fucking poem at a rally, Farron’s walking around in a ‘I’m the 48%’ T-Shirt whilst smoking a spliff, and Paul Nutall is in some alien town, pretending he’s lived there all his life whilst having an existential crises over his 9th pint of Carling.
And what are you doing Theresa? Apart from being miffed at disabled people and creaming yourself over dead foxes? Ah that’s right, promising people no money for not working.
It’s like you don’t want to win. It’s like you’ve just thought ‘ah, no one wanted this job did they?’ when you realised that Brexit means fucking nightmare. Has the penny finally dropped? Have you realised that this is going to more chaotic than a late Boris looking for his fucking car keys?
Well it’s too late now. Fox hunting isn’t going to swing it. You could literally stand in front of a lectern tomorrow and announce the hunger games and you’d still win by a fucking landslide.
Corbyn could turn water into wine before ascending to heaven and Mail readers would be pointing out his obvious fucking drink problem.
There’s no turning back now.