You know what’s tastier than detergent pods? Bleach

Kids today are thick as fuck, but what do you expect when their parents are Trump voting, spherical earth denying, vaccine rejecting morons?

Yes, your figit spinning, bottle flipping, dabbing little dullards have managed to put down their rectangular reality viewers for a few seconds in order to fucking poison themselves, because after all, washing machine pods are shiny, colourful and cool, right?

Kids today are thick as fuck, but what do you expect when their parents are Trump voting, spherical earth denying, vaccine rejecting morons?

Humanity hit it’s pinnacle a long time ago and now we’re living through its slow and painful demise. We’re all fucked because intelligence isn’t cool. Televised shagging on an island is.

People are actually blaming the manufacturers of these pods because of the appearance, well I’m sorry but if your 12 year old thinks they’re edible because they’re pretty, then you’re a shit fucking parent who has failed miserably.

Make bleach bright fucking purple and taste of blackcurrant for all I care, it’s about time society had a good fucking thinning out of the terminally fucking stupid.

Newsreaders just two more Trump scandals away from openly saying ‘c***’

Newsreaders just two more Trump scandals away from openly saying ‘c***’

Thomas Jefferson drafted the Declaration of Independence, Abraham Lincoln lifted the shackles of slavery, and Donald Trump will be remembered for the nuclear war and allowing newsreaders to say ‘shithole’ on national television.

Yes, news anchors and reporters accross the globe latched onto their new found freedom yesterday,  like that weirdo loaner latched onto you at the bar last night after you stupidly made eye contact.

There were more ‘shitholes’ about than in a university hall of residence and it took them all their might to not use ‘fucking’ and ‘dick head’ when also referring to the President.

All that could soon change though after an expert from some shithole said;

“It’s only a matter of time before someone accuses Trump of calling his voters thick cunts and when that happens the paradigm will shift again.”

He continued; “This linguistic freedom can take decades or even centuries to spread accross a society, but at the current rate of scandals I predict newsreaders will be cunting about as early as next week.”

President Trump has denied everything he’s ever been of accused of ever.

Massive novelty scissors the real reason Trump won’t visit UK

“He was skipping around The Oval Office talking about how cool it was going to be meeting the King and Stephen Hawk Wind.”

President Trump has cancelled his scheduled visit to the UK to open the new American Embassy in London.

Incorrectly citing anger at the Obama Administration for the letting the old site go for ‘peanuts’ in a deranged Twitter rant, many think he was actually worried about the planned protests on the day.

However, sources close to the President have revealed different reasons for his sudden change of heart;

“He couldn’t wait” said one aide.

“He was skipping around The Oval Office talking about how cool it was going to be meeting the King and Stephen Hawk Wind.”

President Trump was then informed about the ribbon cutting ceremony.

“He was calm and going along with everything until someone mentioned the giant scissors. It was at that point he lost his shit and started screaming about having normal hands but how the scissors would make them look small and everyone would say mean things.” Said another.

The President was then offered a normal pair of scissors but he’d already Skyped Theresa May telling her to ‘stick the stupid building up her ass’ before retiring to his room with his phone and 5 Big Macs.

‘We didn’t want a ribbon cutter from that shithole anyway’ UK tells Trump

‘We didn’t want a ribbon cutter from that shithole anyway’ UK tells Trump

I couldn’t care less if that orange man baby visits London or not to be honest. If he doesn’t then great, it’s just one less mysogonistic racist thug the Tories will probably try and assimilate into their collective anyway.

If he does on the other hand then that’s also good. We can call him a cunt to his face. Either way, its a non event.

He’s using the excuse that the sale of the previous embassy was a ‘bad deal’. If the prick had more intelligence than an amoeba then I might consider that a veiled trade deal threat. He’s not that clever though.

Of course he’s blaming the Obama Administration, even though the shit deal was signed off by his own party, headed by, in comparison to Trump, that amazing Statesman President Bush.

Nevermind, I’m sure there’s a retired PG Tips ape knocking about who would be happy to cut a ribbon and fling his own shit around instead.

Farage meets Barnier then calls for second referendum

On the surface this is a seemingly magnanimous offer from the shifty eyed, Pole provoking, toad gurner.

Nigel Farage has called for a second EU referendum to shut up all those pesky remoaners and put the debate to rest once and for all for a generation, because if the boot were on the other foot and he was on the losing side, I’m sure he’d have accepted the will of the people and never spoke of Brexit again.

On the surface this is a seemingly magnanimous offer from the shifty eyed, Pole provoking, toad gurner. But is it really that simple, that black and white, is he really as confident for a second win as he’s making out?

I find it odd that for months he has been (quite rightly) defending democracy and the will of the people. However much I myself disagree with the final decision, it has been made. After all, this isn’t best of three.

So why now, so recently after meeting the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, has he decided to give credence to the views of the likes of Tony Blair and Nick Clegg? He doesn’t need to. He won, they lost and should get over it, a rhetoric he’s been repeating for 12 months.

It begs the question, what has he learned? It’s a surprising change of tune for Farage. Have his eyes been opened, or does he now realise what a massive clusterfuck Brexit is going to be for the UK?

Who knows? It will be interesting to see what comes out if his mouth over the next few days and weeks though. Farage may be over confident but an idiot he is not.

The NHS is in tatters and people are dying on the streets – let’s talk about plastic cups

Speaking of recycled mugs, a picture of one holding a plastic cup is dominating the news.

Speaking of recycled mugs, a picture of one holding a plastic cup is dominating the news. Yes, Michael Gove entered parliament holding one. Praise the fucking lord.

The melted Pob has been showing off his re-usable cup like a pup with an erection, as he talks about government plans to introduce a 25p tax on disposable ones to reduce plastic wastage.

Usually I’d be outaged about tax hikes for the majority, but let’s face it, if you’re going to spend 4 quid on a brew you probably fucking deserve it, and after all, the 5p bag tax is working. This really isn’t something to moan about.

Unless you look at the state of the country that is; local councils considering fining homeless people as they literally die in the street, and nurses forced to treat patients in fucking car parks. I’m sorry but plastic island can afford to grow a bit more. It can get its own airport for all I care. We have shit to prioritise.

I’m all for the environment don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I ask myself if turning the bathroom light out is really making a huge difference when China are burning millions of tonnes worth of coal?

This is just another shitty government diversion tactic. A northen motorway forrest, a sugar tax. Fucking free schools.

How much more of this bullshit are we going to take? This shower of absolute entitled cunts have turned our by no means green and pleasant land into a third world shit hole and a global embarrassment.

We were never perfect granted, but we didn’t used to have to consider food banks with our weekly grocery shop. We didn’t have to navigate dead homeless people, and winter didn’t bring the NHS to a grinding fucking holt.

What the fuck is happening and why are we so complacent? Take your mug Gove, and stick it up your smarmy, self satisfied arse hole, you boggle eyed prick.

Conservatives accidentally reveal Theresa May is still the Prime Minister after cabinet reshuffle

Apparently Theresa May is still in charge of the country, after ‘reshuffling’ her cabinet with all the grace of a Parkinson’s disease suffering magician shuffling a deck of cards.

Apparently Theresa May is still in charge of the country, after ‘reshuffling’ her cabinet with all the grace of a Parkinson’s diseas suffering magician shuffling a deck of cards.

She’s like a shit David Brent, walking around the office politely asking if people wouldn’t mind stepping down or trying something different, only to be told to fuck off.

What is the point of this woman? Time and time again she’s proven that she’s about as much use as a fucking blue passport. She’s inept, pointless. An embarrassment.

Yesterday she should’ve reshuffled herself out of the job, although then we’d probably end up with a even bigger prick. Call an election Treeza, you can do it! So strong, so stable.

They do the best haircuts in Oldham says Rochdale Councillor John Blundell

Rochdale Council who couldn’t organise an ejaculation in a brothel.

He’s right you know, they do everything better in Oldham, Bury or Royston Vasey than in Rochdale, especially when it comes to Rochdale Council who couldn’t organise an ejaculation in a brothel.

You know a town is on its arse when McDonald’s leaves, or a least you should. Even Burnley has a Maccie D’s. After that businesses started pulling out faster than a Catholic bloke with 5 kids.

So how did the council resolve to fix things? Well it wasn’t via a spat about hair cuts, that came much later.

Firstly they filled every available space with bookmakers, pawn brokers and charity shops. A typical day out for Rochdalians involves pawning your nan’s jewellery, losing the money you got in the bookies, then buying a second hand shirt from the British Heart Foundation to replace the one snatched from your back.

Yes Rochdale is a dystopian nightmare, sort of like a Brexit warning to the rest of the UK, but at least we have a nice town hall.

Then the council decided to regenerate the area by opening up a river which had been covered up for decades, instantly resulting in mass flooding causing tens of pounds worth of damage in the centre.

Not content with two empty shopping centres, the council now plans to build a third at a cost of £70m which includes a six-screen Reel cinema and 24 shops and restaurants. M&S and Next had already signed up.

The trouble is, M&S, who are already based in Rochdale have since pulled out with the project still going ahead. 70 million quid is a lot of money for one shop, a cinema and tonnes of empty space.

What can you expect though from a council who self indulgenty built themselves offices which make The White House look like a garden shed, took a busy market and turned it into a few shanty stalls and gave themselves a 35% pay rise whilst trying to fine homeless people and ban swearing.

What’s the fine, a doc end? And why are they trying to ban swearing, is it so you don’t hear everyone walking around talking about what shit hole Rochdale has become?

Dave ‘Pig Shagger’ Cameron assures Trump no one believes rumours in books

Dave ‘Pig Shagger’ Cameron assures Trump no one believes rumours in books

Brexit utopia architect and one time alleged pig fancier, David Cameron, has reportedly given President Trump his assurance that no one believes rumours published in books.

The news comes after a book titled ‘Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House’ by Michael Wolff was released earlier this week, which charts President Trump’s first year in office.

The publication has caused fury in The White House and with President shit for brains himself, alleging things like;

“He has a need for immediate gratification. It’s all about him. He just has to be satisfied in the moment” which we know not to be true from his manic, poorly spelled, 3am Tweets.

The main source of material for the book is President Trump’s former Chief Strategist, Steve Bannon, who was sacked last year, is definitely not a Nazi, and looks like a walking diabetes warning leaflet.

Mr. Cameron sadly wasn’t available for comment.

Windsor council SHOULD move homeless people before the Royal wedding

Windsor council SHOULD move homeless people before the Royal wedding

Into fucking homes.

The homelessness epidemic in this country is a national disgrace. It’s fucking embarrassing, and if you don’t believe me because you live in the suburbs, then go for a walk around your nearest city centre at 8:00pm on any night. They’ve all turned into shanty towns.

The head of Windsor council, Simon Dudley, has asked the Police to remove homeless people from the area, before the impending royal wedding.

After all, we don’t want all those tourists seeing an outrageous amount of cash on being spunked on a scroungers wedding when people are dying in our streets.

Where does Mr. Dudley suggest we move these people to, and who is expected to do it, because the last time I looked there’s homeless people everywhere and in some areas the numbers have quadrupled since the Tories came to power.

Our prisons are pretty full too, and there’s not many fucking coppers about either these days. If they haven’t got the numbers to deal with actual crime, I doubt they want to prioritise moving people with fuck all on.

These aren’t just tory attitudes either, Labour’s Rochdale Council are looking into similar measures, and are also considering fining rough sleepers. Fining them what, 3p, a doc end? It’s a fucking joke, just not a very funny one.

Theresa May has publicly disagreed with Mr. Dudley, but that’s not enough. This isn’t a fucking third world country and she should sort this fucking mess out.

As for Jeremy Corbyn, if you’re reading this then I suggest you look into the attitudes of some of your councils and step in. You say you want to eradicate homelessness? Well you’re not going to achieve that with this disgusting and dehumanising approach.